Written by: Alaa El Attar
At this point of my life, I can’t seem to handle any human interaction anymore. I can’t have hopes, disappointments or heartaches. And how can I if every time I try to show good faith in people, they always prove my fears right. Whatever I do, wherever I go and whomever I bond with, they all end up proving my mental disorder right.
A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you think you know what BPD is or how it feel to be with BPD, think again. You must understand that just because you’ve seen one media portrayal of someone with BPD, doesn’t mean you know what they’re actually like. If you did know, there would have been less pain in my world.
I feel everything, all the time. It’s exhausting. But it also makes me passionate, which is beautiful. I also feel more intensely. It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m more sensitive; it just means that most of the time my emotions are much bigger than what my little heart could handle.
It is hard to offer a simple medical definition of BPD, but I’ve heard it brilliantly summed up as “chronic irrationality”. Think severe mood swings, impulsiveness, instability and a whole lot of explosive anger. Depression isn’t just depression for us; it’s rock bottom. Happiness isn’t just happiness; it’s the greatest high ever. The smallest problem could feel like the end of the world.
BPD feels like floating above a dinner party, above the chitchat and laughter, looking down at the smiling people who understand one another and thinking “why not me?” But how could I understand if every time I approach one of them, I end up with permanent scars in my heart and in my mind.
I wish people understood the fear of abandonment. It’s so hard to trust. But can you blame me really? Every atom in my being tells me not to trust people yet I ignore them all and end up with a knife in my back. So tell me how can I trust?
I wish people would understand that there’s always this stifling sense of isolation. I say “sense” because I can be surrounded by the most supportive friends and still think they’re out to get me, or mocking me behind my back. Rarely, does it turn out to be wrong anyway.
I wish you would never get to try this feeling of intense fear of rejection, separation or abandonment because it’s the hardest thing on earth when all you want is to be close to people. I want a relationship where I can share, love and be safe, but I’m constantly afraid of the idea of being alone. Abandonment is hell. I latch onto people and let go before they are able to let go of me.
I live every day on the surface. Every emotion is ready to be set off no matter what. When I’m happy, I’m euphoric. When I’m angry, I’m a monster. When I’m sad, I’m depressed. I have no in between. I’m either green, or red. I have no yellow, and people have no capacity to all those changes. I become “too needy” and my well-being becomes too dependent on the existence of someone that it’s so hard for anybody to handle. So, ultimately, I’m left with nobody. It’s a terrible cycle.
Putting my disorder into words is impossible. My mind is a maze, and it makes me sick to even think of it. Personally, I have lost a lot of people because of my illness, but guess what? I don’t regret losing a single person who couldn’t care enough to see the beauty in all those feelings. The struggle is real but without struggle, there is no progress.
So yes, I do prefer to stay like this. I do prefer loneliness to disappointments. I do prefer my instability to my attachment to people who will eventually cut the ropes, letting me sink into an endless blue. I do choose to trust my BPD and not trust people, because people always leave my BPD doesn’t!