Iโve always been the one to go to when it comes to myย friends’ and acquaintances’ relationship problems; my words of wisdom usuallyย work out great for them. Twoย couples even went from being complete strangers, toย getting married because of the advice I gave them. Now, strangers also email me saying they heard I was good at giving advice! Heck, I even write articles giving people advice all the time. Hereโs the thing though, I actually suck at relationships.
I never sat down and figured out why they ask me, even though they know Iโm bad atย my own relationships. I went from being a hopeless romantic, to the one who gets the worst boyfriends, to someone who couldnโt care less if she died with 21 cats (already have 6, thank you very much).
I decided to investigateย why my friends seekย my advice, and I got the bluntest reply one could ever get. He said โbecause I know youโre the worst person atย relationships, so you always have experience and know how to deal with any problem.โ He said it in such a positive way, that I couldn’t even getย offended.
Giving it someย thought, it does actually make a lot of sense. The ones who actually know they suck at relationships, and are honest about it with themselves usually sugar coat situations. We’ve been through enough to learn a lot, and donโt put ourselves in other peopleโs shoes. We see it all from the outside; we’re basically the flies on the walls of the relationships.
With this realization, I decided to go around and look for others who suck at relationships. I asked them if they could give one piece ofย advice in relationships, what would it be? The answers started flowing, mostly clichรฉs and a bunch of โdonโt get in a relation,โ but other responses were very insightful, and surprisingly common between us suckers.
1. Know your worth
The majority agreed on this one. Know what youโre worth and never settle for less. Someone said โIโve been single for over 7 years, but after I broke up with my fiancรฉ, who blamed me for being controlling, I decided to not settle for less than what I deserve. I do admit that I was controlling, but itโs only because I tried to change him into someone I deserve.โ And speaking of whichโฆ
2. Donโt think that you could change someone
Many of usย get into relationships with people who have flaws that weย canโt stand, but thinkย we can change them with time. ย Iโm guilty as chargedย โ dated the badass guys who I thought I could tame. I couldnโt. Quoting a friend who helped me with my research โI got married to a party girl. Nothing wrong with it, exceptย I just did not like parties. I thought weโd get married and sheโll stop being such a party animal, butย she didnโt. Iโm lucky that she didnโt have a major flow, or even any flows for that matter, but I just couldnโt live this lifestyle. I couldnโt change who she was, and I donโt have the right to. I had to leave, because even though I thought I deserved better, thinking aboutย it a year later, she deserved someone who wouldnโt want to change her.โ
3. Show your appreciation
Some said they felt guilty after breakups because they never showed their partners how much they cared for them. โAsk about the other person constantly โ how they are, how their day was, etc. Also do tell them you love them as oftenย as you can. Not necessarily in an “I love you” directly, but of the sorts.โ
4. Donโt lose yourself in the process
Compromising is great, but overdoing it will make you lose yourself in the process. At some point, youโll hate who youโve become, and there are high chances that your partnerย will too, because thatโs not who they fell for from the start.
5. Be honest, even if it hurts either of you
Honesty is the best policy! Be honest about your feelings and thoughts, even if it means you can breakup after it. โBreaking up over honesty is always better than being together when youโre hiding secrets or feelings. The lack of honesty will always backfire!โ
6. Know that breakups might happen
No matter how deeply in love you are with a person, always leave space for a breakup. โNot my experience, but my mother’s. Sheโs been married 3 times, always gave up everything in life for the men she was with, and never hadย a backup plan. This lack of independence made her become clingy; my father and ex-stepfathers all left as a result. Now thatย I have become of marriage age myself, she always gives me this advice whenever I meet a man.โ
7. Learn from your mistakes
To sum up the whole thing, you must learn from yourย failed relationships. Like I said before, thatโs actually why people who arenโt good atย relationships are good with advice. Surprisingly, most of the ones who gave me good answers are now in happyย marriages, or successful relationships after years of failed ones. If they all had one thing in common, itโll be learning from their previousย mistakes. Grow with relationships, and grow even more with breakups.
