By: Khaled Nasser

Well, the army is not usually a pleasant place for most people, especially if you are not their usual type- the type they see every day at the army bases. If you are an international school/private university graduate you will probably relate to these stereotypes:

The Rapper:

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Since you can speak English better than most people around you and you made the mistake of letting the other soldiers know that, they’re just going to assume that you are probably a natural born rapper. They will ask you continuously to rap every day and night and will probably ask you to rap in Arabic too although it hasn’t been proven that English and Arabic rap are related

“Mat3’anelna ay 7aga raab tayyeb ya m3allem?”

The Rich Kid:

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Since you can speak English, you are definitely filthy rich and might even live in a castle in the far away lands of Nasr City or Heliopolis. They automatically think that you have money that can feed the entire nation, and the luxury of changing your car and mobile phone every two days. You also don’t need to work, because the money’s already there.

“Matgeblena tallaga so3’ayara keda m3ak el marra el gayya ne7ot feeha el mayya?”

The Celebrity:

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Of course you are a celebrity, I mean, who can speak English and is not a celebrity, right? Soldiers will start asking you if you have ever met Sylvester Stallone before and if you think that he is on steroids. Also, if you are bald they will automatically tell you that you look exactly like “el ragel beta3 film el 3arabeyyat” aka Vin Diesel; just answer with: “Seriously? Thank you, bye”

The Super Genius:

I mean, you’re labelled as the spoiled rich guy and you can speak English, of course you are electronics genius who can fix computers, printers, TV’s and satellite receivers- you were born with this gift. Officers and soldiers will ask you daily to fix their mobiles- get used to that.
“Matnazely le3bet el wad elly beyegry 3ala el metro men el 7okooma dah ya sh2ee2”

The Satellite Receiver Guy:

Once you succeed in finding the channel they want, you officially become the receiver guy. Your job description becomes installing new channels, deleting old channels, tuning the radio, deleting the radio, getting them religious channels, getting them channels that feature belly dancers, making the receiver display the European Satellite (even though it doesn’t have this option) and all you can do is get them a few English movies channels and tell them that this is the European satellite.

“Tab matgeblena kanawat ra2s agnaby keda?”

The “Heshtek-Beshtek”:

From the things that are related to money and foreign language knowledge is the Bikini; your friends are definitely all super models who only wear bikinis in the streets and go to clubs day and night.

“Tab ma tewareena sowar mozaz men so7abak betoo3 madinet Nasr keda ya m3allem?”

The Useless Guy:

Once you fail in fixing all their electronics or getting them their dancers on TV or buying them a mini-refrigerator, you become the useless soldier, and if you are lucky enough to be loved by your superior officers, they will automatically feel the need to make you better and develop your skills, so they will give you any random task so that they would, from their point of view, make you a better person. These tasks include photocopying the papers they need and checking the rifles for any faults and rearranging them.

“Roo7 sheel el 50 fardet kawetch el elly henak dool waddeehom el garage shoof 3ayzeeno walla la2 henak, w hato tany…”