Dear Dr. Bonnie,
Please I need your advice; my 13-year-old daughter walked up to me and said that they’re having a class about safe sex at school! Also, she raised the issue of when is she allowed to start dating! Dating … when she’s 13… NOWAY!! What overwhelms me that back then in her age I never thought of such things, is it because of a generation gap or the media is affecting their minds, I have no clue! How should I address her about safe sex because for me it’s an inappropriate subject in our culture before marriage? Dating isn’t such an issue for me because I’ve dated before, but I was 18 years old, I truly believe 13 is a very young age to start a relationship. I need techniques to say no, but to put a spin on the words so they sound nicer and she can take my advice in a positive way. I also have an 8-year-old daughter who always pops up with the weirdest question about intimacy between men and women, “how does a woman get pregnant?” and sort of similar questions that isn’t appropriate for her age. What should I do with her, should I lie to her or tell the truth bluntly? Simply what’s the right age to talk frankly about sexual awareness with our kids? I need your help!
Dear Concerned Parent,
It is true that young people now have a lot more exposure to sex at younger ages than in the past. More of them are dating and engaging in sexual relationships at younger ages. The media probably does play a role in this. However, premarital sex is not unique to their generation. As a parent, you are naturally worried about your daughters getting involved in something that they are not emotionally ready for and that you may believe is wrong before marriage. Sex is a very powerful experience and can elicit emotions that a young person is not yet mature enough to deal with. Additionally, if they have false or no information about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases they are risking their physical health as well. Refusing to talk about it with your kids will just send them to other less trustworthy sources (e.g. peers, ill informed or bad online sources, etc.) If you are able to talk to your kids about sex, it will also give you the opportunity to explain your concerns and beliefs in a way that will make sense to them. Research has shown that kids who are able to talk to their parents about sex are more likely to put off having a sexual relationship till later, tend to have fewer partners, and are more likely to use protection if they do have sex. It is a good idea to educate yourself about sex, pregnancy, and STDs. Adults often have limited or false notions about these things as well. A good online source for your own education that also provides tips for talking to your kids about sex is www.plannedparenthood.org.
It is normal for your 8 year old, or a child even younger than that, to be curious about pregnancy and reproduction. It is best to give her honest answers in a form that she can understand.
As for dating, as a parent it is your decision at what age you will permit it. It would be best to have a discussion with your daughter about it and listen to what she has to say. Explain your feelings and concerns. Perhaps you will decide that at a certain age you will permit her to have a male friend over to your home for a few hours. At a later age you may give her more freedom. The more open and trusting the dialogue is between you and your daughter, the more likely it is that she will turn to you for guidance and make better choices for herself.
