I’m a 29 year old girl with serious commitment issues. Five years ago I got engaged after being in a long term relationship for 3 years. The relationship was pretty much great, and I was so in love with my partner. But something really awful happened on our wedding day, I freaked out. I never knew I had commitment issues before the actual day of my wedding. I called it off and up until this moment I don’t know why! All I was thinking about is that I have to cancel it and that I can’t get married at any cost. You can imagine the disappointment of my family, especially my parents, and of course I never heard again from my ex-partner. I know I did something terrible and I wish I could apologize to him, but I swear I have no idea why I did it or where it all came from.
Now I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years with another amazing guy that I honestly feel I don’t deserve. He is more than I could ever ask for and I’m madly in love with him. The problem here is that he started to ask me to take official steps. I always try to postpone it, but I know that eventually I will have to face it. And just to be clear, I’m only skeptical about my reaction on the day of the wedding, not about him. Calling off my first wedding was as shocking to me as it was to everyone around me, so I’m really anxious about my reaction this time. I really love my partner and I can’t stand the possibility of losing him, or the embarrassment of calling off another wedding.
The human psyche is extremely complex and tricky; between defense mechanisms, the dark alleys of childhood, traumas, and phobias, the truth gets lost. Reading your message, I am inclined to say that you do not have a commitment issue. You can actually stay in an exclusive committed relationship for two and three years, and this means that you can commit.
If we exclude family issues and bad role models, then we are left with several other options:
Afraid of Sex
Some girls are afraid of having sex to the extent of getting married and denying their husbands any opportunity to consummate the marriage. Others might call off the wedding or not get to the wedding stage in the first place.
The irrational fear of sex can be traced back to a strict upbringing, religious beliefs, sexual harassment, or other sexual trauma. The fear of sex is not a joke! It is real and it can lead to a medical condition called vaginismus, where the woman’s vagina turns into a concrete wall, and penetration fails. Repetitive failure leads the man to lose erection and, eventually, desire. He becomes on the verge of sexual incompetence.
If this is the case with you, seek professional psychological help.
Afraid of the Wedding
As silly as it might sound, some girls seriously do not want a wedding. A wedding is too much stress, too much attention, and too much focus. These brides, on their wedding day, can only think of all these guests, who know that on that night, she would be having sex.
The thought of all these people knowing, and probably thinking, of the bride having sex is intimidating to many girls. Instead of focusing on herself and her husband-to-be, she focuses on the guests, their words, fantasies, and what they would think of her.
If the wedding itself scares you, do not have a wedding.
Has a Deep Dark Secret
Julia Roberts, in Runaway Bride, had a secret; she knew that she was not being true to herself in any of her engagements. She pretended to be someone else all the time. She tried to please her partner by being a copy of who he was. She believed in soulmates that she tried to be a soulmate to every man she fell in love with. She would adopt the same hobbies, same way of cooking her eggs, same favorite this or that, etc.
If you keep making that mistake, you might need a professional to help you get to know yourself, love it, and accept it. Some girls have such low self-esteem that they believe they have to be someone else to be loved. Some of them manage to lead their lives faking and only the lucky ones are aware of what they are doing, and they seek help.
One of the ways they are seeking help is by doing “unexplainable” things – like calling off their wedding on the same day.
Only you can tell if you are a control freak or not. Do you like to be the one being in charge? Taking decisions? Driving? Choosing? Leading? Setting rules? Making plans?
If this is the case, you might want to suggest having the right to divorce yourself, and writing more of the rights that would make you feel in control, in the marriage certificate.