How many times has someone randomly walked up to you, gave you a pat on the back and told you I admire how strong you are? Does the thought of it make you want to run to the nearest window and jump? If it does, then you’re definitely in the right place. It’s funny how people would dare look you in the eye and salute you for something they don’t understand, isn’t it? Well, this article is for all of you who wish that people would understand what a strong independent person has to go through to be the way they are.
1. It wasn’t a choice
It’s funny how you have the audacity to come and tell me that I did well. That I am one of the strongest people you have ever met in your whole life, when the truth is I didn’t choose to be so. I didn’t choose to not share my troubles with anyone and keep it all inside. I had to when I found that there was no one there for me. I had no one. I didn’t choose not to come to you. You simply weren’t there, so I got it together and I made it. I became my own person and I sure as hell got stronger, but you don’t get to salute me. I didn’t choose this life. It was forced on me, thanks to you.
2. Now that I know I can make it on my own, it’s hard for me to find a need for you
You weren’t there when I needed you, and somehow I made peace with that. So you can’t just expect me to drop what I now know and let you back into my life. I love you and I’m sure that I will never lose you, but I don’t regard you the same way I once did. You are no longer a necessity in my life and I most definitely can live without you, so don’t ask for too much because you are not going to get it.
3. But still the journey gets a little bit lonely every now and then
I’m strong and I don’t need you. That I have already figured out. But still it sucks to be alone a lot of times. It sucks because I don’t want to be the person I am right now. I want to need people and to have them in my life. I was once like that you know, but people weren’t really there for me. And now I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time I can’t bring myself to let anyone fully in again. So I choose lonesome, and I get on with my days.
4. I sometimes judge you for not being strong enough
I am so sorry. I am well aware that everyone has their own capabilities of things they can or can’t handle. I know that there is a limit to everyone and that our limits differ from one another, but sometimes when you are complaining about the most random things in life, I catch myself gasping at how trivial your troubles are, at how I’ve been through worse and still managed to get it together and I just want to shout at you “get it together already. You’ve got this.”
5. It doesn’t get easier
Independence and strength are two nasty pathways. It doesn’t matter if you have a roadmap, you’re still going to be lost. So here I am lost forever. Trying to carve my way into this world. One step at a time. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get the hang of it, in fact I am 90% sure I never will, but I choose to struggle everyday. I choose to try and make it on my own, because I can, and I will.
And finally, I am thankful for being where I am today. After all, I got here on my own.