Written By : Khaled Nasser
Iftar Ramadan is a very beautiful tradition that brings family members together, some families meet at table only in this time of the year, other than that each eats in the time that suits them.
As pretty and heartwarming as it is, Iftar that involves a lot of people usually has its drawbacks, and they are mostly the types of guests/relatives that you meet there, and here are some types of the guests you may meet…
1. The Forgotten
This is the most common type of relatives you may encounter in an Iftar, someone you ten times before (in all the previous Iftars) and yet you never succeed in memorizing their name, and what makes it more annoying is that when they know your name and use it every two minutes and you can’t understand why the hell does no one uses theirs quite as much, in these cases you usually respond with “Brrrence..” or “Ahlaaan” if they are older people and can’t possibly be “brence”
2. The Wise advisor
This type is also very common among relatives and/or older guests; the age difference between you and them is usually between 2 years and infinity. They usually start the conversation by asking you how you’re doing and what have you been up to lately, where do you work, do they pay you well, do you have a woman in your life, and once they’ve gathered enough information about you they will start giving you advice in all these aspects at once, and eating won’t make them stop, they will start telling you that you are not taking your life seriously and that you need to do more, you need to work more or you will be drawn into the pit of debts and drugs and you will end up hanging yourself in a prison cell if you don’t listen to what they have to say. In most cases they will make you promise to follow their advice, and swear to god, and to the ancient gods of Olympus, and to the Titans…
“Ana wana addak kont ba2ool keda bardo, makontesh fahem el donia kowayes fa matez3alsh ennak mabtefhamsh aw abte3rafsh ta5od kararat, bas ana kont a7san mennak shewayya ayameeha, mabtakolsh la7ma leih?”
3. The cheek eaters
The cheek eaters is a condition that is common among guests at all times, the people you haven’t seen in a while so they will automatically feel that they need to express their feelings by eating your cheeks (a.k.a kissing you with their mouth wide open) science has discovered yet why would people kiss with their mouth wide open, so until someone does, you have to deal with this condition. As we mentioned before this condition is common, but the real problem happens when Ramadan when you deal with guests who are late for Iftar, they run in, put anything in their mouth so that they would break their fasting, and then start licking your face. The only thing you can do is to shower your cheeks with perfume (and make up in case of women) and hope that this guest licks your perfume and get poisoned and die.
4. The Stranger
This person is usually someone’s new husband or wife, they don’t know anyone, they don’t know you and you don’t know them but they happen to sit with you on the same table and you usually look to each other in awkwardness not knowing what to say or what to expect.
“Enta ba2a akeed a5o reham, la2? Fe3lan? Tayyeb…”
5. The very early responder
This person usually comes 3 hours prior to Iftar; he arrives while you are still preparing the tables and cooking the food, he just smiles and sits there in awkwardness, sometimes you will have to sit with him and start random conversations so that he won’t feel alone, but then you remember you have a feast to prepare and just wish someone would come and take him out of his misery.
“bas ana sme3t en el 5odar ba2a 3’aly el youmein dool fe3lan ya m3allem, Howa enta baba magash ma3ak leih?”
6. Mr. Fantastic
This is usually the guy who has done it all, he is wealthy, he is successful, and he is the most talkative creature that ever walked this earth. The moment he sets foot in the house he starts talking about his adventures and travels, he usually tells the same stories every Iftar but he never finds it boring, every little thing that happen reminds him of an adventure he has done or somewhere he when
“7elwa awy el fasolia di, ana wana f spain kont badawar 3ala fasolia bas mal2etsh, laken et3arraft 3ala model henak w 7abetny awy w lafefetny Spain kollaha w gabetly chocolate keteer w kanet 3ayza tetgawezny bas ana elly fakastelha”
7. The Baby thrower
“5od el wad la7za” is the word you will hear before any “hi” or “Hello”, it is usually followed by “bos da 7abbak awy, 5aleeh m3ak ba2a”, this type of guests has given birth lately and have no clue about how to take care of children, so they just throw their little puking creature to the nearest poor soul who happens to be passing by.
8. The S.W.A.T. Team
This is usually the hardest part of the day, this type of guests you probably hear first before seeing them, you hear the sound of a thousand feet as if the war has begun, the feet are approaching and you have nowhere to run, then you hear something a glass shatters to a million pieces and then they appear; The S.W.A.T. team, the special forces, or whatever you would like call them. At first the noise they make while approaching would make you expect a small army and then you find out that they are the children of the family who were playing outside but then entered because Iftar is about to start. They attack the place opening every door and window they see, turning every chair and table in their way, they will remind you of the special forces when they attack an arms dealer and try to collect evidence. They destroy everything and eat everything…
9. The Last Man Standing
This type of people is also common, they arrive, eat, pray Maghreb, pray Isha, pray taraweeh, and then sit, and sit, and sit, until there is no one left but them, and then they stay more, you want to clean the place, they just sit there, you are falling asleep, meh.. they sit, you are actually asleep on the couch before them, don’t care; one more hour… and when the Fajr is almost there they usually say:
“Taab aseebak ba2a la7san shkalak ta3ban, w 3ashan tel7a2 el so7oor Kaman, yalla salamo 3aleiko…”