I was lamenting the fact that I couldn’t meet a nice guy, who I could click with, to my best friend. So she goes and suggests that I go the online route. She proclaimed happily that she had several female colleagues at work who had found success that way. I thought what the hell and decided to go for it. Of course, me being the deep sensitive soul that I am (i.e. picky and paranoid), Tinder really didn’t do it for me since it didn’t really include anything about the person in question except a photo, which was usually shirtless (more on that later because really, what the hell?) and very little else. I decided to go for a dating website/app, where you had enough space to express yourself and where you were encouraged to do so. I opted for an OK Cupid profile instead. Now, I don’t know if it works the same everywhere else in the world, but I noticed some very specific patterns in the profiles within the period that I had my own, which was a grand total of about 48 hours:
Being female seems to qualify you for getting a lot of messages. I had barely uploaded a profile photo and was just thinking of what to type, when my phone started going crazy with notifications. It was an awful grainy photo, yet sufficient enough to demonstrate that I – probably – had 2 X chromosomes.
I remember someone on the website asking me how it felt thus far and I replied, “I now know how it feels to be a bleeding swimmer in Piranha infested waters”.

The shirtless photo and very little else:

I get it; it’s a dating site. You want to show that you’re physically attractive. But seriously now, having nothing else on your profile? Really? Not a line? Not a sentence?
You have a chance to express yourself to a potential romantic partner and you choose to present your pecs and abs and nothing else?

The “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends…” dudes:

If you’ve been talking to a guy for a few hours, it gets a little creepy when they start setting rules for your “relationship” and making detailed plans about where you’ll go and what you’ll do. If there were ever any clear signs to make a run for it, this would be among the top ten.

Also, the Spice Girls are awesome, so shush about it.

The broken English:

I’m no elitist, but bad grammar and spelling just piss me off. It’s not a problem using your native language, if that’s how you can express yourself best, but introducing yourself on a dating website using such bad English makes you sound like you’re brain-damaged? No, thank you.
The painfully fake photos:

My favorite was the one who had a photo of Andre Agassi. He’s a celebrity, but not everyone would recognize him instantly, so he did put a little thought into it. Better than the dude who used Ahmed Ezz’s photo…or the ones who used Stock photos of models, with the watermarks still intact.

The ones who write their astrological sign in their profile and nothing else, as if somehow that should sufficiently inform you of all you need to know.

The ones who only have the energy to fill their profiles with something along the lines of, “If you want to know something, just ask”. Oh you mysterious suave, international man of mystery, you!

The really really persistent ones:

They don’t get an answer, so they send you another message…and another, and another. You’d think after 3 messages that go without a reply, they’d get the idea but no. There comes another one popping up into your inbox.

Fortunately, unlike real life, there’s a block button on hand.

I have to say that there were a couple of interesting profiles, but it might take you a while and more than a little patience to find them, so happy swiping.


By: Shahenaz Yehia