Dear Dr. Bonnie,
I really need your help since I’m stuck in a very critical situation. To cut the story short, I just need to know what to do when my child sees my wife and I having sex?! My wife and I rarely have time to have intimate moments during the week because our two daughters (4 and 1) keep us so busy. The only time we could spend some time together is during the weekend and when both of them take a nap during the day, so then we have about 2-3 hours before they wake up again. One time, during these 2-3 hours, my wife and I got intimate and during our pleasure time, we heard a voice of our 4 years old daughter saying, “What are you two doing?” At this moment, we were like totally freaked out and like a stone statue. We couldn’t move or say anything while she was standing only a few feet away from us. So within 30 seconds, I grabbed my clothes and put on while she was still watching. We were speechless, until she ran to her room. Now, this is so embarrassing but I have no idea what to do… should I speak with her, should I answer her question if she asks again “ What were you and mom doing?” or should I just ignore the whole thing. I’m afraid such incident turns out to be traumatic for her and the last thing I want to contribute in is traumatizing my daughter. Please help. 

One time, during these 2-3 hours, my wife and I got intimate and during our pleasure time, we heard a voice of our 4 years old daughter saying, “What are you two doing?” At this moment, we were like totally freaked out and like a stone statue. 

 

Dear Surprised Parent,
It is difficult to read your question without smiling a little. My heart goes out to you and your wife. I am sure that was an unsettling experience. Naturally you and your wife would like to have intimate relations when you can find the chance. Do not worry too much about your daughter. I doubt that she has been permanently traumatized by the experience. If a very young child witnesses their parents having sex, it can be a little alarming and confusing for them. It can seem violent and they may worry that Mom or Dad was hurt. The most important thing is how you react to the situation. Let her see that you and Mom are fine and not angry with each other. If it happens again, try to react calmly and show her that everything is okay. Kids are very sensitive to their parent’s emotions, and if they sense that you are both alarmed and ashamed and that you are avoiding her, they may fear that something is wrong or that they did something wrong. Most four-year-olds would have difficulty understanding even the basics of sex. They are usually just beginning to notice that males and females have different bodies and they may have questions about that. At this age, it would be more important to reassure her that everything is okay. When she is a little older, if she has questions, answer them honestly in a way that she can understand. I refer you again to www.plannedparenthood.org to get an idea of what children are able to understand at what age and how to talk to them about sex in a way that will make sense to them. As you know, four year olds don’t understand the concept of privacy yet. For now, if available, it might be best to use a room that you can lock. I hope that you and your wife will be able to enjoy more weekend afternoons without interruption. 



style=”display:inline-block;width:468px;height:60px”
data-ad-client=”ca-pub-9772044803699326″
data-ad-slot=”2165784699″>