Remember Troy? What did the Greeks do when they wanted to get past Troy’s high-rise wall? They built a gigantic wooden horse; the Trojans took it for a surrender gift and brought it past their wall. At night, the Greeks, hiding inside the horse, emerged and opened the city gates.
That’s the trick! Who said you needed to bulldoze a wall when you could be invited past it?
It happens that sometimes you like someone and then it turns out that they have put up barriers and shields to protect themselves against anticipated emotional pain. If you seek to bring down those walls, using a wrecking ball would not only bring them down, it might totally demolish them causing internal damages or causality to this person’s castle. So, why not trying to find the chink in the wall, or an unguarded doorway leading inside, better yet get invited past the walls rather than knocking it down? Yes, it might mean tricking the person, but who cares? All is fair in love and war.
There’s a strategy to this kind of love; some particular steps must be followed to copy the Greek methodology and penetrate into the person’s castle without giving a second glance to the ‘Do Not Enter’ sign:
1. Find their weak and their strong points
You must put together the whole picture: the self-assured adult and the insecure child, the spine and the fear, the strength and the desperation. That’s the only way to figure out the heart of the issue and then deal with it; that’s the chink in the wall through which you will sneak inside.
2. Defrosting the ice around their hearts
This wall is an emotional baggage that this person is carrying from the past, therefore, you need to push past their anxiety and fear of empty promises and venture farther into their heart. That may take a hell lot of time. The more solid the wall is, the more time it will take you to get past it and that leads us to the next step.
3. Be patient
Don’t expect them to change on the spot unless you have a magic wand; you will have to learn to deal with their seemingly cold exterior. It takes time to heal; it takes time to start trusting again. A little patience goes so far.
4. Great love requires great courage
This step is exclusively for you, not for the person with the shield. Walls are made of cement and every other kind of stubborn material; they are not coming down without a fight. It’s all about whether you’re determined to exchange blows with those defense mechanisms, or whether you should head straight to the door.
5. Make them believe they’re not at risk with you
Anticipating emotional pain is the way things work for these types of people; that’s the main reason for them to have layers of doubt. You have to give them good reason to believe they are in no danger with you; only then they will drop their guards.
6. Let them know you acknowledge there is a valid reason for their fear of attachment
They must feel you’re fighting side by side to get to the safe shore, that they’re not alone in this. That can’t happen without them realizing you recognize their wounds and that you’re only here to tend to them.
7. Healing requires expressing
Restrained and inhibited emotions can’t be dealt with; we need them to float on the surface whether by crying, screaming or confessing, Only then, we will be able to cut them from the roots and start the healing process.
8. Negative emotions should be substituted with positive ones
Agony, dread, anxiety and many other negative feelings block the person’s happiness; they should all be overridden with new positive emotions and uplifting thoughts like caring, doting and loving once and for all.
Last but not least, you must act like a pro when knocking those wall down, because they will probably find their way back to be built again. You have done it once and the first time round is always the hardest. Soon, this issue will be like water over the dam.