When you are feeling dead inside, lacking all sorts of emotions and only focusing on getting by, day by day, you need to stop and worry! I believe these are the bumping waves of depression”. These were the exact words of a wise man when I said “I feel dead inside”. The word “depression” in all its essence can freak the living hell out of me, so when that word was uttered I felt a clench in my heart. And that clench believe it or not has never revived me as much as it did at that moment. Depressed? At 25? Why? I felt like I fell in a black hole as tiny as I could be, and the giant me was just looking at the pathetic state I had reached. At that flash of a moment I realized that the only person who could save me from me is simply… Me.

I lay in bed that night with all these thoughts clouding my head of when and how did I surrender to the negative thoughts? How come did I never really fight with a bit of a positive outlook or attitude? I started taking myself back towards the last time I actually felt at ease and more peaceful within, and that was when waking up my inner self was a goal that set so as to reach it before I lost purpose for life. And I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but it didn’t seem impossible either.

Every time I spoke to my friends about it, I was always advised by a few of them to actually go
and see a professional which made me feel worse, because never in my life have I ever dreamed that I will need to go and see someone to treat me. Not that it is a bad thing or has anything to do with my pride, it’s the fact that I know I am not that weak, so how did I get here and when did I let this happen.

The first thing I tried to repair was my least favoured trait and that was me being an absolute introvert, and if you know introverts they tend to keep all their feelings and thoughts to themselves, and as it builds up it can only be described as a balloon being filled with air until it bursts in your face. Bursting can happen in so many different ways, from breaking down in tears for no valid reason, to actually being angry with everyone around you, that you take it out on those around you for no valid reason what so ever. So I decided to write my diary and it truly became dear to me; it was the only thing that I poured all my thoughts into faster than a panther spotting its prey of the day.

As the pages filled quickly with all the feelings that devoured me, I started going back to the pieces of writings that I felt were the most sentimental to me, the pages that the pen penetrated harder than the arrow of cupid. In these pages I found my closure, in these pages I found the missing piece of my puzzle, in these pages I found pain that has lost its trail a long time ago and finally realized I was holding on to the non existent. How can I hold on to something that doesn’t even exist? That’s when I decided to finally let go of all the loose ends of these tainted strings and start holding on to me. There is nothing more liberating than knowing that in the midst of your weakness, the only hero you can count on is YOU. If only you knew what you can do for yourself, you will be amazed; you will be feeling the cape on your back at every situation that encounters you, and more importantly you will be able to finally understand yourself, what you need from this world and how well you deserve it. We are all bound to have weak moments; after all we are humans who are meant to deal with their feelings not just shut them out and pretend like everything is okay.

Don’t become an ice block on the outside, and ache alone on the inside. The best thing I learnt through all this process is that crying is really healthy and is a major cleansing tool to the soul. Sometimes we all need a slap on the face, whether it comes through a word or an action that finally bursts the bubble you have created around you. It is never too late to try and fix something broken within, because we will always fall and get up, as much as it takes us to. Don’t let the past destroy your future, tear down the walls you built around you once, twice and thrice. Let people in and take them as lessons you learn from, don’t allow yourself to be too scared to enter the unknown, you never know how perfect something could turn out to be. At the end of the day there is nothing more rewarding than being able to pass through the hardest situations being a winner on the inside because that’s when it will shine on the outside