When two people get into a relationship, they carry their baggage with them. Their past traumas, previous relationships and insecurities of all kinds. As much as we try to claim that our baggage doesn’t affect us, against our will, it eventually does. However, we always try to deny its existence and sugarcoat it by calling it love. This only makes it harder to deal with. The best way to really salvage the relationship is to separate these insecurities from love so we can start acknowledging them for what they are and eventually learn to embrace them and handle them with our partners. Some of the most common insecurities that are usually masked behind love but secretly affect it are the following:
The Constant Need for Validation
There is nothing wrong in needing some reassurance. However, if your partner constantly needs you to validate them, then it turns from a harmless expression of love to a toxic habit that could destroy the relationship.
This endless need for validation that is often perceived as love is usually rooted in low self-esteem. And if that issue is not fixed from within, chances are it never will be. Because if someone does not accept who they are, no amount of validation will change the way they perceive themselves. So instead of feeding the forever hungry monster of low self-esteem; address the issue head on, and help your partner find the way to self-love, so you could both find it easier to love each other.
When Trust Doesn’t Come Easy
If you and your partner struggle to achieve mutual trust, this can place a strain on your relationship’s growth. This could be rooted in lack of confidence, fear of repeating past traumas, or a number of internal struggles. However, sometimes when one party finds it hard to trust, they try and pin it on the other party making them believe they aren’t doing enough to earn their trust. This is dangerous for the relationship, because it could leave you drowning in a consuming guilt that will eventually make you grow tired of trying and of the relationship all together. It also leads to fear of opening up to one another. Therefore, it stops you from getting any closer. Which means the relationship will be frozen unable to evolve. So, talk about the reason behind your fears, and find the common ground where you can both let go of your baggage and hold on tighter to each other.
Fear of Abandonment
Something a lot of people confuse for love is the fear of abandonment. When many people leave you, it is only natural to start believing that everyone will. In relationships, this, sometimes, develops into an unhealthy obsession. When someone wants to keep you around so bad, they could -unwillingly- push you away. Whether by trying too hard to prove their love, asking for too much of you to prove yours, or just plainly suffocating every aspect of your life. Being haunted by their fear of you leaving, your partner could actually end up smothering you into leaving. As sensitive as the issue might be, addressing it head on could actually be the thing you partner needs to calm their fears and believe more in themselves and you.
We all struggle to accept ourselves for who we are. So sometimes, as part of the co-dependence in the relationship, we tend to rely on our partners to make us feel worthy. This feeling of inadequacy is coming from your own perception of yourself, not from your partner’s perception of you. Not realizing that has the ability to turn small manageable issues into big dramatic struggles that strain the relationship. Because feeling inadequate can develop into extreme self-consciousness which, in turn could become aggressive self-defensiveness. This makes it so hard for a person to have a rational conversation. And no relationship can work without healthy communication. So instead of wasting energy on the small petty fights, why not integrate this effort into talking about the actual issue and figuring out a healthy way to fix it.
When Close Turns Into Too Close
One of the best things about being in a relationship is feeling the intimate emotional closeness with your partner. However, everything, regardless how good, has the ability to turn bad once it goes overboard. Being close with your significant other is no different. If you partner asks to be a part of every aspect of your life, panics if you are gone for some time and gets jealous when he\she feels like something or someone else is stealing your attention; then odds are this is more than just closeness. Yes, they will call it love, and some of it is but that’s not all. When a person struggles with deep rooted fear of loneliness and finally finds someone, without noticing, they hold onto that person so tight that they might end up feeling suffocated. As complicated as this could be, the answer can be quite simple. Don’t wait till this insecurity drives your love away. Talk to your partner, assure them that you are here for them, explain that you need your space and they might just be more understanding than you think.
We all like to think that love is all we need to make a relationship work, and sometimes we do believe it. Because once our hearts are filled with love, our minds lose any sense of reality and our visions get blurred. We start ignoring all the warning signs till we find ourselves heartbroken. It is human nature to try to convince ourselves that we can find the perfect partner, have the perfect relationship, and live the perfect life. However, we forget one very important thing; nothing in life is perfect, but there are things worth fighting and working for. The trick is to know what is worth it and what’s not, and have the courage to decide whether to stay or walk away.
“Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities”