I am a 32-year old woman who was married for 8 years to a loving caring man that any woman would love to be married to. I have 3 children and my life was somewhat stable, until a couple of years ago. When I met my husband, he was all I dreamt of and more. We got married in a year’s time in an arranged marriage.
Since we got married, he made it clear that daily intercourse was essential, not in a harsh manner, but in a nonnegotiable one. We had our ups and downs but the one thing that never stopped was his insistence on sleeping with me every night. I couldn’t keep up! It turned into a routine act; it lost all of its romance. I stopped having feelings and hated every bit of him and myself.
Then I discovered he had affairs. I blew up and got a divorce. Ever since the divorce, he has treated me well. He supports me financially as much as when I was living with him or even more. He cares about me; he takes care of me, and I am sure he loves me. He is nagging me now to re-marry, but still with the promise that I’ll have daily intercourse, because my refusal is what led him astray! I do love him and miss our life together; I want the children to be happy too, but I can’t commit myself to daily sex.
Married To A Sex Machine
Dear Married To A Sex Machine,
First, your situation is unique; I know many women who would literally kill for a man like yours! Second, your situation is hard; I do not know any woman who could have sex daily for eternity! Third, your situation feels wrong; overdoing anything is evidence that there is a serious problem beneath! Daily sex by command is no longer about stamina and libido. What is hurting your husband? It seems that sex is the only way he is able to vent any suppressed anger or frustration, or express excitement, joy, and achievement.
Here is my advice regarding the daily sex situation:
1. Say no to daily sex and see his reaction.
2. Negotiate! Aim for four times a week and see his reaction.
3. Beat him at his own game – Agree! Tell him that physically speaking, there is nothing to stop you from having sex on a daily basis but you find the sex boring and repetitive, and that is why you cannot commit to the daily deal!
Elaborate further and tell him that you need to feel inspired. Tell him that you want to feel loved and to make love. Tell him that you need to feel passion. Tell him clearly that you need to fall in love with him every day to be able to make love to him every night. Tell him that you were turned off by how things became automated and mechanical. Tell him that he has to earn his daily sex by hard work, creativity, and romance!
Try to elaborate on why you resented sex-time and how you felt used and void from within. Tell him that you felt disconnected and unloved even when you were in the most intimate moments. Maybe you could tell him how sex is the strongest transmitter for positive and negative feelings and that many times you felt that you were lonely and unheard. Give him high scores on technicalities and be very realistic when grading the prelude and the aftermath. He needs to spend his nights thinking of how to wow you in the morning so that you will be inspired at night!
On the other hand, you need to eliminate sources of stress, because a big part of your lack of interest in sex is related to the kids, the daily battles, and the thoughts in your head. If you want this marriage to work this time you have to think of all the things that you are willing to do differently. We all know that doing the same things the same way will only get you the same results.
If you have a relationship question for Marwa, you can send it to [email protected] with the title: Relationship Question. All submissions will remain anonymous and if selected, questions will be sent to Marwa and published in Identity’s magazine.