By: Farah Hikal
I couldn’t have predicted it if I had tried a million times. It’s just a break, not a breakup. It took me a while to even admit that it’s a breakup, not a break. It was you giving up on all what we’ve had, it was you not wanting to build a future after we’ve spent days and nights dreaming of one, it was you deciding that we’re back to being strangers again after I’ve been part of you. It was you running away from responsibility; it was you throwing it all away instead of trying to fix it.
How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? I only realized it the moment you went away. I thought that I was stronger. I believed that I wouldn’t be that fragile when it comes to you letting go of all the dreams, the hopes .. when it comes to you giving up on us that fast. You left me with tears drowning my face; you left me with confused feelings.
I can’t say you’re all responsible for the mess I’ve become. It was my fault for giving you a part of me I knew would stay empty after you’re gone. I blame myself for loving you that much and giving you my all. I blame myself for letting you promise me forever, when all you had to offer me was a heartbreak.
I’m moving on. Finally, after numerous trials of dialing your number or trying to see you even by coincidence. I won’t re-live the days we spent together when I look at our pictures anymore. I’ll remove every trace of you from my heart. And that’s not to say that your memory won’t knock the breath out of me when I listen to our song or when I go to a place we used to love. That’s not to say that I won’t remember what we had. But it took me a lot of soul searching to get to the point that it’s me that will remain after all, and that I can’t make someone or something my all nor can I forget about myself again .. about me that will remain after they’re gone. Because nothing will fill the hole inside me again, except me.
Whatever the way and no matter how much time it takes, it will always be me that makes me complete. It’s the passion, even if I’m still searching for one. It’s the goals and dreams, it’s the places I wanted to visit the most and the food I crave, it’s the music that makes me shiver and the car speed that makes me feel alive. It’s all about accepting my own self before I expect people to do the same, it’s about forgiving my own sins and loving every scar I have. It’s the time I spend by myself and the spark in my eyes when I talk about what I love. It never was about someone else, nor about you. It was, is and will always be about ME.