Toxic secrets

“We all have secrets, some are more dangerous than others” – Pretty Little Liars

It’s always been him from day one. Ever since she met him, ever since they talked. That was one of the secrets she could never hide!

It’s “hate”. She can’t get her mind off him or stay distant.

Overthinking it is whenever they talk, meet, or spend some time together. It’s a blend of ultimate happiness and despair. Wanting to scream out loud out of happiness, yet out of pain.

It’s always difficult to confine herself, her emotions, her body language, or facial expressions whenever he’s around her. It’s even harder to keep her eyes off him. It’s always been difficult to keep those as secrets.

The very tiny lash that she’s hanging on is “hope” of being loved back from him. Hope of just hearing it from him like he means it. She wishes… And she could only wish.

She dreams of the day they’ll be together, but this shall only remain a dream.

What is it about her that’s that hard to love? Why is it always so difficult? What is it about her that doesn’t let him be more than a friend to her?

She doesn’t judge or try to change him, nor limits him. In fact, she supports him, cares and worries about him. Most importantly, she loves him and bares with him.

Is there anything more valuable to bring to the table other than love? Is there anything else to be offered? 

All these personal questions never left her mind. In fact, they piled up every single time they met or talked.

Never did she speak up her mind as she already knew all the answers, yet didn’t want to be bothered by them. She refused to understand because she was so afraid of listening. She knew. She’ll never be the one. Not even one day.

Those were all the toxic thoughts. Thoughts that not a single human being should have to think of and that are unbearable to live with.