By Amina El Ghandour
Society defines what is right and wrong and the majority of us tend to conform. In most cases, it is safer to find approval for our life choices than challenge long established norms. The problem arises when the inner voices of some speak against what is socially expected of them. What if you realize that what you want for yourself falls under what is considered socially ‘wrong’ – or even worse -a ‘taboo’? Too wrong, that it potentially violates religion and tradition -too wrong that even a discussion is sanctioned.

However, there are a few who realize that it is our responsibility as evolving species to live up to our own recognized values, and as a result, challenge conventions and break taboos. I’m particularly inspired by married women who make the conscious decision not to have children -at all.

In Middle Eastern societies, children are considered a God-sent gift. Motherhood is sacred and a woman’s ultimate role in life. This leaves women who choose to say ‘no’ to childbearing with a significant struggle, a struggle I wish to partially unravel here. Their voices need to be heard and their stories need to be told because they speak their truths.

What are some reasons for this decision?

I love children, but I never had maternal instincts –not for a moment. The only benefit I saw in childbearing is ‘old age insurance’ –that would have been selfish on my part.” Maha 47, recently divorced.

I know I don’t want children because I never envision a future in which I’m a mother. My future plans have many things, and children are simply not one of them.” Nadia 29, engaged.

I never had interest in children whatsoever and don’t think I ever will.” Alia 37, married for eight years.

Looking at mothers and children exhausts me. If I ever do, I’d feel forced. Farah 33, engaged.

I was never particularly maternal, but this world is not a good place either. I don’t think it’s fair to bear children for my personal joy and security and make the decision for them to face a harsh world.” Dina 45 years, married for 17 years now.

“Raising children is a huge commitment and a significant compromise to my being- was never sure it was worth it. As I grew older and observed the level of frustration and worry associated with raising children, I was assured I did the right thing. If you have the capacity to love and give, you can do it in many different ways. The world is hungry for love.” Magda 67 years old, widowed after 36 years of marriage.

You may not agree with every reason. And perhaps some of the women here might eventually change their minds– nothing is wrong with that so long as their decision represents them. The idea is to be entitled to your own voice and have the choice. 

How do families respond?

The decision not to have children inevitably involves two people. The women here had partners who supported them, either because they shared their sentiments about children or had children themselves from previous marriages – thus had no reason to pressure them into something they would not want. However, even with a partner on board, challenges to such a decision do not cease.

When it comes to families, especially in the Middle East, they don’t want their stalks to be cut short. Some of the women interviewed had supportive parents- something that probably enabled them to stick to their decision. Other parents found it hard to accept. Initially, some families dismissed the decision as ‘momentary’ or ‘immature’. A woman in her late twenties, who announces she will not have children, could not have been taken seriously after all. However, as time passed and they persisted in their choice, some parents were disappointed and angry. Talking reason into their daughters entailed much ‘fear-invoking’. Fear about possible regrets down the line, the prospects of the marriage crumbling because it is childless, a lonely future- and not to mention God’s wrath.

The reality is, children never turned dysfunctional relations into functional ones. People may continue to live under the same roof but without connection. The possibility of regrets may be daunting -but it is present either way. How many mothers were embittered by sacrificing their careers or freedom in general for their children –despite loving them anyway? At the end of the day, the way you perceive a past decision is a choice in itself. You may choose to lash yourself over something or know you did what was right for you at the time. As for loneliness, no one can predict what the future holds. You may be a mother but grow and find yourself alone, nevertheless. In a good case scenario, your children would be well but living in a different country. There are, however, more ugly possibilities for the future. Therefore, ‘old age insurance’ like Maha said, can never be an adequate reason to bear children. Finally, if children are a precious God-sent gift, then you might as well not have them unless you are sure you have the capacity to fully love and nurture them.

What is the potential social price for such a choice?

Most of the women who refuse childbearing feel comfortable enough to speak out when asked. Ironically, they are never believed. Extended family members and society in general, presume that if a married woman does not have children, she inevitably has a medical reason that is stopping her. A choice is never taken into account. There is a solid belief that every woman wants to be a mother- unequivocally. As a result, those who are not, are showered with pity.

It doesn’t end with pity. In many cases, women who decide not to have children are silently banned from many social activities that revolve around the little ones. Their friends become consumed by parenthood leaving the childless ones with restricted circles to mingle within. However, the responsibility here falls on society at large to accommodate differences and respect the choices of others.

“Life is a sum of all your choices” Camus

We came to this world as individuals with different inclinations and passions, but we are constantly forced into uniformity. Only a few stand for what they want and their struggle may entail pressure, pain, and in some cases, even severed relations. At the end of the day, what is right and true –is what feels right and true to us. Our values should come from within, from a nurtured relationship with ourselves and the knowledge of what feels real to us –then the courage to speak and live up to it. We were born as individuals and are here to lead individual lives after all.