Identity is celebrating its tenth anniversary, and wants to share with you some highlights from our history as a magazine and website. This series is taken from past relationship advice articles published in Identity Magazine.
August 2015
I Was Married to Someone I Didn’t Know for Eleven Years
Dear Marwa,
I have no idea where to start from. I used to be very successful educationally, but I haven’t studied what I wanted because my dad didn’t approve. Although I was surrounded by male peers and had a lot of friends in my life, I never had a boyfriend before marriage. I grew up hating males because although my dad is considered open minded, he is still sexist. Everyone sees me as strong with a very strong character but they don’t know my real story.
I had an arranged marriage to a man that I knew nothing about except that his family was well known in business. I refused him at first but he insisted. We were married while I was still a student because he couldn’t wait. After an extremely luxurious wedding we ended up living in a furnished rented apartment, even though he easily could’ve bought an apartment because he was filthy rich.
These were by far my worst days ever. He wouldn’t come near me and he wouldn’t have sex with me. He kept pretending that he tried but failed, saying he couldn’t. I tried going to my mum for help but all she did was make fun of us. Desperate, I went to a doctor to lose my virginity by surgery, both of us knew that this was definitely wrong. I tried several times with him to actually succeed at having sex, although I went through a lot of pain, refusal and aggressiveness from his side. Even my two children were a result of incomplete sex that happened during my most fertile period. I gave up on sex since then.
The marriage lasted 11 years without me getting close to him. He flirted with me in front of people, but he crushed my dreams when we were alone. I reached a point where I stopped feeling at all. I got sick a lot and my health deteriorated. That was besides the struggles that I constantly had with his family. My relationship with God was normal; I prayed and fasted, but it was never a close, spiritual relationship. I kept living with this man until something happened that made me come to my senses: we were at the airport with our children and I had my child’s nail scissors in my handbag, my husband told the police that wasn’t the only prohibited thing I had.
I finally asked for divorce. I insisted but he kept refusing. He offered me lots of money to give up but I wouldn’t taken any. Things got ugly one time when he told me to go to court and I wouldn’t get a penny, I told him that it would be enough to say that it feels as if I’m living with my sister. He got extremely aggressive and broke everything around him. It was the first time after all those years I was brave enough to ask him if he was gay. All he said was, “does it have a cure?” He didn’t deny or agree. One day I woke up and found out he disappeared. His family used to threaten us, he didn’t even spend a penny on his children. When he came back after a year I agreed to have a friendly divorce that required me to give up all the money. We didn’t have anything, so I had to live with my dad because I didn’t work. My ex-husband used to only pay for school fees, but he continued to control us and spy on us. I got closer to God and found some comfort.
But I can’t get into any relationship now – I am not attracted to any man. I know that I’m a woman who needs a man in her life because essentially I never had one. Sex terrifies me, is there any treatment for what I have whether it’s sexual trauma or vaginismus? I don’t think there’s a man who could tolerate all that with me. And how can I know if I’m cured or not when I’m not married, and what if I got married and failed having sex and put him in the same situation I was in? So, do I get cured first or get married first, although I know I feel hate towards men?
I know that I need to find work but I don’t have the courage to go look for work because I know I’m inexperienced and I graduated so long ago, I’m already 35. Also, I’m the father and mother for my children so they’re taking all of my time and effort. I started trying to take all my rights from their father and won’t give up until I do. And I know I’ll start looking for a job and do what I love but my
steps are slow and full of fear. I know there isn’t any fast magical cure for me, however, I just want to know my weaknesses to work on them.
Thank you,
A Survivor
Dear Survivor,
Your message is heartbreaking! I rarely use the word “victim” to describe a person but this is the best description for you! It is painful to imagine a young woman forced to study something that does not interest her, coerced into getting married to a man she initially rejected and broke up with four times, and trapped into a make-believe marriage. You are a victim of a father who simply ignored your right to choose, a mother who simply ignored your very serious complaints, a doctor who agreed to an operation that should be performed under strict conditions to protect women like you from men like your husband, and a whole society that conspired to keep you ignorant and submissive.
I will not waste more lines on condemning your family and society. Here is my advice:
DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN; BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF!
Let’s pretend that the past 35 years of your life were a testmdrive of the coming 100 years of your life – Yes, I hope you live one hundred more years.
Your real life is just beginning! Now, after putting down the magazine and reading my reply to you, you will go through a lot of pain and anguish like the throes of labor! With each contraction, I want you to pull yourself out of this painful comfort zone that you have settled into and take a bold, brave decision!
Ask yourself: How do you want to live the coming 100 years of your life?
What was it that you wanted to study? Can you study that now? Can you take a diploma? Can you join a workshop? Can you get a job as a trainee in that field that you have always wanted to study? Buy books and download articles that would help you catch up! If you cannot do that, find the next best thing that you want to learn!
Remember that you deserve to be happy! What makes you happy? Explore new hobbies and find out more about yourself, your strengths, and your interests. I have known women who started their little clothes line, while others became great cooks and caterers. Some became photographers, candle-makers, painters, and writers. It is so empowering to take that journey into self exploration.
As for your sexuality, the best way to erase your previous trauma is to learn to love yourself! Be kind to your body! You have been rejected on so many levels for a very long time and you have learned to loathe your body, your desires, and your needs. It will take you time and effort to unlearn those horrible lessons. Start by sports. Go to the gym or join a dance class, or just walk. Eat good, nourishing food and with every bite tell yourself how great it feels to nourish your cells. Change your wardrobe. Dress the way you feel like not the way people expect you to. Buy soothing bath salts and pamper yourself.
When you look in the mirror, I want you to admire who you see looking back at you! I want you to embrace every curve, bump, and scar. Remember that the way you see yourself will determine how people see you; if you see yourself worthy of love and respect people will see exactly this! If you see yourself worthy of pity, people will treat you as such!
You do not have veganismus or any other sexual problem! Love is the answer to all your questions and doubts. When you love yourself the way you deserve to be loved, you will eventually meet a person who will appreciate you for who you are, and when the time comes your heart and your body will open up and you will enjoy a very healthy sex life.
There are many women who were in relationships with men who were sexually potent and they do not feel any better about themselves than you do; the sex left them feeling used, exploited, and empty. They share your insecurities and self-esteem issues. Sex was never the cure to deep wounds like yours! A healthy sex life is the outcome of a healthy selfimage, a healthy relationship, and a healthy overview of life. Confusion anywhere in your life will just bring confusion to your sex life.
Focus your energy on building a new you! You are lucky to have the chance to change the path that this society has forced you to take! Seize that opportunity and make the best out of it! NO REGRETS; ONLY LESSONS LEARNED!
