All it takes for you to think about your past failed relationship and long for it is hearing a song you both once liked, watching a movie you saw together, encountering a mutual friend or getting reminded by Facebook’s new curse dubbed “memories”. Even if this relationship was toxic for you in every way and ended up badly shattering your heart; even if your partner was an inconsiderable person who treated you selfishly and only put his needs before yours, you still think you miss him. You miss his presence; you miss his laugh (even if it never existed, you still think it did). And even though you’re certain that your ex-partner does not think of you half as much as you think of him, you’re still unable to move on. You’re tightly holding on to the memories and unable to let go.
Such unhealthy memories will only drag you down and suck the happiness out of you whenever you feel that you’ve finally managed to move on. It may also give you false new feelings towards the person who broke your heart before. To be able to successfully move on, first you have to understand why you’re missing your toxic ex-partner. For that, there are 3 main reasons:
You Miss the Relationship, Not Them
Being in love, waiting for someone to tell them about your day and they tell you about theirs, the texts, the outings, the romantic dinners… It’s possible that after a while you forget all the misery your partner had caused you and only remember the romance, the little details you experience only when you’re in a relationship. This is why you sometimes miss the relationship, not your partner. You’re probably just confused; missing the relationship should not let get you involved in the wrong one.
You Miss What You Wanted Them to Be
Have you ever been in a relationship where you repeatedly had to ask your partner to do the things you like until they finally did it? Have you hinted to him a thousand times how much you loved flowers but he only bought you flowers once? Have you explained to her a million times how much it means to you that she gets to know your friends or family until she finally did? Well, if you broke up with your partner and still have some feelings for them, you will probably get emotional remembering how he used to get you flowers every day, or what a gentleman he was at all times. You too will probably remember how she loved your friends and enjoyed going out with them. You will not remember the countless times you had to beg him/her to do the things you liked.
You missed what you wished to see or tried to change in your partner. It’s partially your fault, of course, but that does not mean you should be longing for something that never existed in the first place.
You Miss What You Need From Them
Let’s be honest; many of us have deeply carved scars. We all lost a friend, a family member, someone who used to make us feel special and is not here anymore. The perfect scenario is that we meet someone who can fill these holes in our souls and love us, care for us and be the partner we always wished to have. But the perfect scenario doesn’t always take place. Sometimes, people who have something we’re longing for happen to cross our paths: a boyfriend who asks you about your every move like your father used to, or a boyfriend who does not ask you about anything at all (because he doesn’t care and you translate that into trust) and you love that because he makes you feel free unlike your ex for example. A girlfriend who is caring and loves music unlike your ex, who listens to you in a way that reminds you of your passing friend… When someone offers us the one thing we want the most, we hold on to this one thing and forget all about the abuse and mistreatment we suffer at their hands. When they’re gone, we miss only that one thing and confuse it with missing them.
There are various ways we can get over these feelings but we will get to that later in details. In the meantime, try to make a list of all the things that used to annoy you so you would never forget them. Also try to ask those closest to you (a family member for example) how they perceived your relationship; try to ask someone who has witnessed the whole story so that you wouldn’t be confused. If you think your memories about this relationship are a bit inaccurate in a way that you only remember the good times, ask your friends if they think your partner treated you fairly.
