Identity is celebrating its 10th anniversary, and wants to share with you some highlights from our history as a magazine and website. This series is taken from past relationship advice articles published in Identity Magazine.
January 2007
Dear Identity,
Thank you so much for your most interesting magazine. Believe me, I make sure to get my copy of Identity every month. I like the way you tackle articles in this section in particular which encouraged me to share my problem with you.
I’m 28 years old and I have a good career at an insurance firm. I’m well educated and people often compliment me on my looks and on my character. My problem, if you can call it that, is that I’ve been single ever since I broke up with my boyfriend 2 years ago. Ever since then, I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to start a conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Since I’m a sociable person by nature, I have a few groups of friends and we meet up frequently. Most of these outings will include guys who are friends of friends, but initiating or even sustaining a conversation with these new guys is proving to be a real nightmare. When I feel particularly attracted to any of them, I find it really nerve wrecking and will visually take the best part of an evening just to pluck up the courage to approach them. The severely disappointing part is that when I finally do, they do not seem genuinely interested in participating even in a conversation. It’s like they respond only because it would be incredibly rude of them not to. What I find really baffling about all this is that I get this type of response from men who are often too willing to talk to my other girlfriends, who are present at the table.
My friends have been trying to set me up with people they believe are suitable for me, but every time is a disappointing fiasco. It is actually the last embarrassing incident that prompted me to write you. My best friend, who has a steady and loving partner, has been nagging me for ages to meet one of her boyfriend’s colleagues at work. Fearing disappointment, I kept putting it off for a while but she just wouldn’t give up. At last, I told her I would go and as soon as I saw him, I knew I made the right decision coming over. I liked him instantly and did my best to act calm and collected. At first, things went brilliantly, or so I thought. We started off with the normal chit chat and I even complimented him on his aftershave, after which things went horribly wrong. Gradually, the conversation just died and I couldn’t think of anything witty to say, despite my friend’s and her boyfriend’s pitching in to help out. I could feel the tension growing so thick, I couldn’t take it anymore so I made up some excuse, grabbed my bag and scrammed.
My friend called me the same night and gave me all sorts of hell over the way I acted. She said she couldn’t understand why I was being so uptight about everything. I couldn’t agree more that I am being uptight, but I don’t know what to do to relax and be myself around men. I seem to be facing rejection from every one I meet and needless to say, my self esteem is not taking it that well. Can you please tell me what is wrong with me? Am I destined to a life in Single-Ville?
Dear Reader,
Just because you are single does not mean that there’s anything wrong with you. You say yourself that you have several groups of friends, and that you’re a social person with a promising career. In my opinion, all you need to do is hone your social skills with members of the opposite sex. You find it difficult to approach and flirt with men because you always seem to expect something to come out of it. The best flirts in the world enjoy flirting for the sake of it, not because it’ll lead them to bagging the cat. Also, I think you approach men with a pre-conceived negative attitude. You measure your success or failure by wether you leave an impression on the guy or not. So, naturally, the whole situation becomes too much pressure. Why judge your worth as a person on whether someone you hardly know snubs your advances or not? The key factor in becoming successful with men is not to care about if you are rejected. If you care too much it’s impossible to relax and enjoy another person’s company.
Complimenting the guy your best friend has fixed you up with is certainly a good start. Compliments are an act of giving that makes people feel good about themselves. But don’t you think complementing him on his after shave is a tad too forward for a first introduction? Why not compliment him on his watch or his mobile next time? Perfumes, aftershaves and scents in general are very personal items with a bit of sexual undertone to them. I think your sweet words touched a wrong nerve and made him suspect that you have an ulterior motive, which made your compliment seem less genuine. The whole point of complimenting someone is giving something to somebody rather than try to get something out of them. If you adopt this attitude, it’ll make you care less about rejection. Remember, men can sniff neediness and desperation a mile away, which puts them off to no end and turns a supposedly pleasant and light introduction into a boring and heavy exchange.
Apart from this last guy, did you ever consider that maybe you are not approaching the right man for you from the start? If you get into a conversation with someone and quickly realize that there’s not much to talk about, then you’ve simply established that this man is not right for you. Maybe he’s a boring old sod, why do you see it as your fault? Even if he did strike your fancy but acted indifferent, so be it. Being rejected is not like contracting cancer or losing a limb; put it into perceptive. You have lost nothing; you’ve only had a conversation.
And one last word of advice. Confidence and ease are tried and tested man magnets. Believe me, the best way of being asked out is to really appreciate being single. If deep inside, you feel like a social outcast, this is bound to reflect on your character and make you seem needy. When you’re enjoying life, your natural nerve and excitement are what others find attractive. If you’re desperately searching for a relationship, it’s easy to feel intimidated by men because they’ll represent a group who are keeping you from something you want. To turn this to your favour, approach men like you would a woman, just introduce yourself. It’s normal for people to respond by telling you other information about themselves, details you can use to further the conversation. See meeting men as part of a journey, the end of which is to go on a date. You’re only at the beginning now and you’re initial goal is to become a better conversationalist. Once you’ve achieved that, you’ll get asked out regularly.
